


Fracture

by orphan_account



Series: Identity [4]
Category: NSYNC
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-10
Updated: 2010-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/69091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To Lance, life is an underwater spectacle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fracture

**Author's Note:**

> Completed set of unrelated stories based on themes of duality and identity.

In what seemed like lifetimes ago, Lance swam in water that was clean and refreshing, banked by poplar trees and the sweet, tart smell of apple pie in the air. He saw plain brown fish scatter as he submerged his head underwater, their dull browns brilliantly changing into egg yolk yellows and iceberg blues when they swam through patches where sunlight was unfiltered by trees. He was amazed in a way only a child can be for it was such an uncomplicated joy.

***

Justin never tried to think about the group the way Lou did, but some things became ingrained no matter how much he resisted it. He was comfortable sharing leads with JC, but some deep bedrock knowledge in him knew that he was always ahead. He maintained a steady pace, knowing he could never be overtaken, much less lapped in this game of fame that made him feel glory so pure that there were times he got lost in it.

Then Lance started working out. His eyes lost their opaqueness. He grew into his own looks. A formidable business sense sprung up from seemingly nowhere, an ability to delegate and manage and calculate. Girls started screaming when they heard Lance during certain songs, the low, melodious timber of his voice like a flicker of sex heard on the edges of their harmonies.

Once during a concert, some girls had screamed particularly hard when Lance went onstage. Justin was last to go on, and to his ears, they had screamed just as loud for him as they did for Lance. He didn't know how to feel about that.

Justin kept pace as he usually did, but every once in a while, he looked back over his shoulder to see if there were cat eyes behind him. Eyes precise and clear, like the fine edge of a sharp sword.

***

Lance was the best lover Joey ever had. He made sex in a cramped bunk with the smell of used socks in the air fantastic, and for that, Joey figured that Lance deserved the crown, even if he had no intention of ever telling Lance that.

"Where'd you learn that?" Joey said, his toes curling. Joey thanked God that they were on the two-man bus and that the bus driver was wearing headphones even though he really wasn't supposed to. In that moment, Joey was all for breaking the rules.

Lance raised his head and grinned wickedly. "Looked it up. Be surprised how much there is on the web about these things." His lips were slick and slightly swollen, and Joey felt like kissing him then.

Joey closed his eyes and clamped his mouth shut. He didn't want to be too loud because earphones could only block out that much. He didn't want to talk because he might interrupt Lance. He didn't want to talk because he might say embarrassing words about love and forever and even if "heat of the moment" was a good excuse, Lance knew a lie when he heard one.

He bit on his lip and tasted blood.

***

Lance was an enigma to Chris. Lance was so quiet back then, more a spectator than a participant in the carnival that was beginning to build around them. At first, Chris thought that it was the age difference, but he got along so well with Justin on almost every level that that line of reasoning didn't seem valid.

Chris decided to just watch for a while then, observe Lance trying to find his bearings and make his mark in a group that was named without him, with a phantom hanging over every dance step that Lance performed awkwardly. In the beginning, it seemed as if there was an unspoken "Jason could have" that preceded and ended their statements. That couldn't have been easy.

Lance bore the burden of expectation pretty well and Chris was quite impressed. However, with the exception of a few tears of frustration when he couldn't dance, a steely determination during the lawsuit, and a fear of his own mortality when he was sick, Lance didn't give much of anything away on uneventful days. At least not anything Chris could really pin down and study.

Of course, Chris knew more things now. What type of person Lance liked, what food he loved, what he found funny. Chris had details, which fleshed Lance out more, coloured in a few blank spots here and there.

For all that though, he remained an enigma to Chris. All that changed was that he was now a familiar one. Some days though, Chris wondered if that way of thinking was a habit he was supposed to have broken a long time ago.

***

In the clouds, in a daze from sleep, in a trance from music that took hold of him deeply JC wandered. A lot of things penetrated his consciousness; he wasn't delirious. Few cut a swath so forcefully as Lance had though. JC was sure there was a library of songs inside his head, all about sexy detachment and being let into worlds tinted in green.

To be fair, Lance had never given him any illusions. Lance was always direct, and contrary to what everyone else believed, he told the truth compulsively, at least when it came to things that mattered. JC knew going in he was chasing dead ends. The optimist in him wanted to believe otherwise, that there was a chance, that Lance's existing love for him could change, that it would become physical, that there was even something to go into.

Lance's affectionate tolerance stayed the same. Somewhere inside him, JC conceded this loss a long time ago, but the mirage was there and it was too easy to pretend.

"Jayce," Lance had said, and JC knew immediately what was coming. They were on the hood of Lance's car facing the neat line of trees near JC's front gate. Two protein milkshakes were on the hood and had been warmed by the sun hours ago. A distinct sour aroma filled the air.

"Jayce, I'm not in love with you."

JC had nodded. He had known that for quite a while. "I know," he responded softly. "It was nice of you to put up with it as much as you did."

He felt Lance's hand on his back. He smiled wearily at Lance, who smiled awkwardly before hugging JC. Loose-limbed, JC thought.

They separated quickly. Lance, it seemed to JC, was desperate to fill the moment with anything other than what had just happened, so he took one of the milkshakes and drank. He grimaced after the first swallow and spat the milkshake out on the brick pattern of JC's driveway.

***

 

When Lance gets a moment to himself, he appreciates the fact that his outlook on life hasn't really changed all that much. He has stayed true to himself with a minimum of compromises, and is proud of the fact that how others see him hasn't affected the way he sees himself.

He is now a grown man adored by millions of girls in love with a fantasy. He swims in crowds surrounded by photographers with the powerful, overwhelming smell of manufactured fragrances and sweat. He sees girls wearing sparkly sequins that reflect rainbows when light shines on them. He is amazed in a childlike way a grown man usually isn't because in a sense, this is still an underwater spectacle. In his life now, this is as uncomplicated as joy can get.


End file.
